Sassy Things I Want to Say At Work

I work as a receptionist at a hair salon.

Scratch that. I work as a Client Booking Liason. It sounds less gay when I tell people what I do. Of course they ask what that means and I have to tell them I'm a receptionist. But whatever.

People are very anal about their hair, and I'm sorry, but four weeks and five weeks is not the difference between a paper-cut and the Holocaust on your head. Birds won't take nest. I promise.

Below are some dumb questions I receive quite often and what I want to say back.

Customer on Phone: Hi, do you do hair?
Me: No. I answer the phone. But I can try if you want.

(The local hospital has a similar number.)
Customer on Phone: Is this St. Mary's?
Me: No, this is -business-.
Customer: "So this isn't St. Mary's?"
Me: Just assume everything I say is the truth.

Customer on Phone: Hi, do you have any haircuts available?
Me: No, we're sold out. The next shipment won't be in until Monday.

Customer on Phone: Hi, what days are you open?
Me: We are open Tuesday through Saturday.
Customer: So you aren't open on Monday?
Me: You caught me. We are only open on Mondays for mentally handicapped clients. Are you mentally handicapped?

(My boss is the most popular stylist in town. He is booked months in advance. This is an actual conversation.)
Customer on Phone: Hi, I would like to schedule an appointment with -stylist- for tomorrow.
Me: I'm sorry, that won't be possible. Perhaps another day?
Customer: Did you look?
Me: I'm sorry, one second. (I pretend to look) No, there aren't any available spots.
Customer: Well, when is the earliest you can get me in?
Me: Let me check. It looks like August 21st. Would you like to schedule an appointment for that day?
Customer: Are you kidding me? August 21st? That's ridiculous.
Me: I'm sorry. I can put you on the cancelation list in case someone can't make it. We'll give you a call.
Customer: I don't think you understand. I want an appointment.
(I get a little sassy from here on out.)
Me: I don't think you understand. There aren't any until August 21st.
Customer: Well is there anyone else who works there who is good?
Me: No, I'm sorry, we only hire mediocre employees.
Customer: I'm sorry. Am I a little annoyed that I can't get in until August 21st? Yes. But I'll take it.
Me: Fine. Would 6 pm work?
Customer: That's awfully late.
Me: And I got off work 5 minutes ago, but I'm staying late for you.
Customer: Fine, 6 pm will work.

(Sometimes we get walk-ins.)
Customer: Hi, is there anyone here who can cut my hair?
Me: No, sorry, none of our employees have hands.

(Actual conversation.)
Customer: I would like to schedule an appointment for a haircut.
Me: Sure, no problem, is a haircut all you'll need?
Customer: (Rudely) As opposed to what?
Me: Color, style, perm, up-do, shampoo, blow-dry, hi-lites, waxing, pedicure, manicure? The list goes on.
Customer: Oh. No. Just a haircut.

Customer: Can I get a haircut?
Me: I don't know, can you?

Those are just a few that I've gathered in a month. I'm sure I'll have more. Are there any dumb questions you get at work? Post them below!

Merlin? More like Mmmerlin.

I'm very selfish. Especially when it comes to television and movies. If I love something, I want to share my passion of it with everyone I know. Do you know how many times I've seen the first 10 episodes of Modern Family? I show it to everyone I meet. Everyone.

The subject of my passions is often my internet wife, Jessica. You probably know her from Glee Chat and Smash Chat over on Hypable. If you follow me on Twitter you know the antics we get up to while we Skype. Quite often, Jessica and I will have a movie night or a television night. But you know what? It's always what I want to watch. (To be fair, I have impeccable taste in television and movies. You can ask Jessica.)

So when Jessica kept mentioning she wanted to watch Merlin with me I was like "Ehhh....maybe." But then she said the key phrase that made my brain go into overdrive "YES PLEASE MORE" mode.

BBC.

I fucking love the BBC. My love for British television started with a small show call "All the Small Things" that only lasted one series, but followed a housewife whose husband is the choir director at their church. After her leaves he for another woman, she forms a rival choir and it's amazing. I should show Jess this show. She'd love it.

Then another show popped up on the radar. The IT Crowd.

Then it was Doctor Who.

Then it was Torchwood.

Now, goddammit, it's Merlin.

Merlin is amazing. I love everything about it. It's interesting for me because I don't know much about the Arthurian legend, so I'm really just engrossed in the story and I don't know what's going to happen. Jessica and I have created what we like to call "Merwho Marathon Night," where we alternate between an episode of Merlin and an episode of Doctor Who. She likes the Doctor. I'm so happy. Read her review here.

The characters are all very well played. They are also extremely attractive. I'm pretty sure Merlin is based on my fantasy man. It's like....I can't even. I get the lady shivers. In the last episode I watched, Merlin was dying and making delectable sounds. I'm not gonna say I got the lady shivers. I'm not going to say it.

Another thing I love is the music. It's so exciting and brilliant. I know I'm not being very descriptive on how much I love the show, but my love is clouding my intelligence. Basically my point is: stop being a pussy and go watch Merlin.

Thank you Jess. Let's watch Psych sometime too.

Get ready

A new post is coming.

Monday.

Brace yourselves for the return.

Coty is back.

404 - Coty Not Found

Due to unforeseen circumstances, here is a picture of a confused giraffe.

I'd Like to Thank the Academy

We interrupt my regularly schedule bitching for this important announcement: I received the Liebster Blog Award from my dear friend Jessica, whose blog I stalk follow. Jessica is a very dear friend with a very wonderful blog, and I am honored that she respects my own work enough to give me an award for it.

“Liebster” is the German word for “dearest” and this award is given to new bloggers with fewer than 200 followers. There are a couple of stipulations for accepting the award.

1. Thank the person who awarded you and link back to them.

2. Pass the award on to 5 fellow bloggers and let them know.

I have already thanked and linked back to Jessica, so now to pass this award on.


1. Mike Lawson - What Some Would Call Lies


2. Craig McAnally - Our T.V. Night


3. Milo - The Year Zero


4. Megan Stoll - Megan Stoll Studios


5. John Thrasher - JohnThrasher.net


If you are one of the blogs that I listed here I hope that you will be able to take the time to pass your award on, but there is absolutely no pressure. Feel free to take your time if you are just too busy right now. Also, make sure that you remember to save the image and attach it to the blog post that you create.

I really hope that you check out some of the blogs that I have listed. I promise you they are worth it.

See you Monday!

7 Things Series - The 7 Women I Would Sleep With Out of Admiration

I admire the following women so much that I would sleep with them out of pure respect. I love them all.


7. Maggie Smith

Other than her perfect portrayal of Professor McGonagall, Dame Maggie Smith has shown of her dramatic chops in countless movies. However, the thing I love about Maggie is her capacity to make me laugh. In the clip above from "The Carol Burnett Show, featuring a young Maggie Smith, Smith teaches the Queen how to pronounce her name and then tries to seduce her man. "Remember how the bubbles tickled my nose...and you tickled the rest of me?"

6. Adele

Just about everybody loves Adele these day, and for good reason. Her singing is a lovely respite from the auto-tuned bullshit I have to suffer through these days. Her raw voice and the emotions she projects through it never cease to blow my mind.

5. Queen Latifah

Queen Latifah has such a powerful personality. I have yet to see her in something I don't love. So there.

4. Katie Couric

Katie Couric really made me love getting the news every morning. While I never fell in love with her stint on the "CBS Evening News," I look back on my mornings watching her on "Today" with fondness. I vividly remember waking up on the first day of summer vacation one summer to watch Katie's last Today show. It was amazing. In the clip above from her show, we see Katie's serious and often very silly side.

3. Meryl Streep

As displayed in the video above, Meryl has an amazing knack for accents. I'm really jealous. I sincerely love watching Meryl Streep act. She got a ton of flack for her role in "Mamma Mia," but I loved it and it's my favorite movie musical. Meryl just won the Kennedy Center Honor for her contribution to the arts. I think that proves my point.

2. Meredith Vieira

Do you ever just KNOW when someone is real? You can tell when someone is faking sincerity, and for her 5 year run on Today as Katie's replacement, I never once felt an ounce of fakery come from that woman. I cried watching the crew run her all over the Rockefeller Plaza on her last day, and I cried watching that damn video again. That woman is truly sweet.


1. J.K. Rowling

This one doesn't need any explanation.

Poorly Drawn Series #4 - Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

I don't know about anyone else, but there are several things I need in order to have a good sleep. They are:

Yeah, my blanket just happens to be the same color as absolute darkness.

If any of these key factors are missing, chances are I'm going to be a bitch in the morning.