7 Things Series - My 7 Favorite Songs

Here are my 7 favorite songs, in no particular order.

7. Baba O'Riley - The Who



Why I Love It - Because it's so energetic and when I am frustrated, I can listen to this song and rock out. It helps. By the way, this song is not called "Teenage Wasteland." I know this because my roommate drilled it into me.

Favorite Lyrics - The exodus is here / The happy ones are near / Let's get together / Before we get much older.

6. 1979 - Smashing Pumpkins



Why I Love It - When I'm feeling melancholy and do NOT want to cheer up, I can listen to this song and just mope about my life. It makes me feel better.

Favorite Lyrics - "And we don't know / Just where our bones will rest / To dust I guess


5. What's My Age Again - Blink 182





Why I Love It - I actually stumbled upon the choir version of this song first. It's from a TV show called "All the Small Things" and it is amazing. You should check out the series. There are only twelve episodes and they're all on YouTube. I also love the orginal version, because it's so upbeat and fun. I listen to it when I'm having an "I don't give a fuck" kind of day.

Favorite Lyrica - No-one should take themselves so seriously / With many years ahead to fall in love / Why would you wish that on me?


4. Steal Away - Robbie Dupree



Why I Love It - I love this song because the chorus is so catchy. Whenever it is on, I can't help but sing and dance inappropriately. Sorry for anyone near me when I hear this song. It just makes me so happy.

Favorite Lyrics - Don't tease me / Why don't you please me / And show me / What you came here for


3. Misery - Mike Tompkins



Why I Love It - Technically this is a cover of Maroon 5's version, and I really like Maroon 5. But you have to understand that I am madly in love with Mike Tompkins. I love him. I love everything he does. I love his face. And his clothes. And his cute smile. And his EVERYTHING OKAY. Seriously. I dig this boy. I love his cheesy dance moves. I love Mike Tompkins and I love this song.

Favorite Lyrics - Every word Mike Tompkins says is my favorite lyric.


2. 5 Years Time - Noah and the Whale



Why I Love It - I get legitimate indie street cred for this song, because I loved it before anybody knew it existed. I loved it before that car commercial. So there. This song is the song I listen to when I'm feeling giddy or just abnormally weird. It makes me smile a lot. And there are days when it's hard to smile. After belting this song a few times, it's easier to go on!

Favorite Lyrics - Oh well I look at you and say / 'It’s the happiest that I’ve ever been' / And I’ll say 'I no longer feel I have to be James Dean'

1. September - Earth, Wind & Fire





Why I Love It - I found this song in high school. I love it. It's so 70s. It makes me wanna dance and sing even more inappropriately than "Steal Away." My roommate found me an awesome cover of this song, which I also linked to because it is so good. It's classic. Love it forever and ever.

Favorite Lyrics - Our hearts were ringing / In the key that our souls were singing / As we danced in the night / Remember how the stars stole the night away

Poorly Drawn Series #3 - Move Bitch, Get Out Da Way

Here is a map depicting the locations of the buildings near my dorm. Typically I want to travel from my dorm to the student union, which is labeled "Where I Want to Fucking Go."

You may already see the problem. When we insert sidewalks, it becomes more clear.

Ah yes, you see it now, don't you? There isn't a single direct path from my dorm to where I want to fucking go. My path is blocked by an all-girls dorm. Do you know how much that annoys me? This is how it SHOULD look in a perfect world.

7 Things Series - 7 Things I Never Want For Christmas

So Christmas happened yesterday. YAY! I got some really awesome gifts! I'm glad I'm not a hermit. Hermits don't get gifts at Christmas. They probably just get itchy.

In the spirit of the holiday past, here are 7 things I never want for Christmas. Ever. Seriously.

7. Lost - The Complete Collection

I don't know why, but I never ever want to see this series. Don't buy it for me. I'll sell it.

6. Classic Novels

I tried to pretend that I liked classic novels since I'm a literature major and whatnot, but I pretty much hate every classic story novel that isn't "Of Mice and Men." If you get this for me, I assume it's because you intend to bore me into a coma and steal my money.

5. Audiobooks

Along those lines, I have the worst attention span when it comes to reading. You know what makes it worse? Listening to someone else read very slowly. Sorry, can't do it. I'll be done in a quarter of the time. Don't buy them. P.S. If you get me an audiobook of classic novels, I will hate you.

4. Footed Pajamas

Somebody please call Child Protective Services. For some god-forsaken reason, footed pajamas are making a comeback among adults. Seriously, you look like an idiot in footed pajamas. Does baby want a pacifier? No. Put on some real pajamas, you jackass.

3. A self-help book

I don't need help. I need money. Problem solved!

2. Light Bulbs

Now, I know this seems obvious. Who the hell buys someone light bulbs for Christmas? But you know, I think it could happen. I just want to confirm to anyone considering purchasing me some light bulbs next Christmas that yes, I will hate your gift.

1. A Star

Now I know a lot of people think having a star named after them is cute, but I am not one of those people. Firstly, they don't actually name the star after me. Scam! Second, I can't fucking see it. I want to see my present. Thirdly, it doesn't have an exchange policy like the other gifts, which if I were unlucky enough to receive, I could at least take back. You can't return Beta Gamma 2456321X12GG for a full refund.

If anybody ever gets me any of these gifts, I'm keeping whatever I got them for myself. Even if it's perfume or something. I'd rather be cheap than stupid. 

**Note - With the conclusion of this post, this blog will be going on a Monday, Wednesday, Friday rotation. I've got shit to do, sorry!

The Twelve Days of MJ - Day 12

Holy shit. I made it. I didn't think I would. I'll bet money Jessica didn't think I would either. She knows how lazy I am.

I'm excited for today's song, Michael Jackson's "Bad," because I know the parody song "Fat" by Weird Al.

This is Megan's 12th and final song for me to enjoy. I won't beat around the bush any longer. Let's go!



Here's my timestamped analysis!

0:02 - Sweet whip crack! I'm in!

0:08 - 10 LORDS-A-LEAPING!

0:30 - I love this song already. It has got such an attitude.

1:26 - I'm singing along. I don't know the words, but that's alright.

2:10 - Pretty sure air vents have mold.

4:16 - Did I mention my love for choreographed dancing? I loved this video.

You know, this song makes me understand why people called Michael Jackson the King of Pop. Throughout the series, I never ceased to be amazed by his vocal talent or his absolutely amazing dancing skills. I'm very glad I went through this series (except for "Scream" because that was terrible). I owe a special thanks to Megan for putting it together, and to all those who gave Megan suggestions. Megan gave me 8 more songs to listen to after the series, and although I have no plans to blog about them, I'll definitely give them all a listen. Michael's talent was amazing, and we lost a good one when he passed away. He was something special.

I listen to the radio now and we have some really good artists. And we have some really auto-tuned artists.

But we don't have any artists that can compare to Michael Jackson.

I'm okay with that.

The Twelve Days of MJ - Day 11

Oh my gosh, this is the penultimate day in the #12daysofMJ series! I can't believe it. Honestly I never thought I'd stick with it. I'm so lazy. I'm really proud of myself right now. I think I deserve a round of applause (just tweet me your applause).

Here's my timestamped analysis of Megan's 11th choice for me! This is Jackson's "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough."

That's what she said.



0:05 - I honestly never liked Michael's speaking voice very much. He's a much better singer.

0:10 - For some reason this reminds me of a really bad dating video.

0:15 - That was actually a cool scream.

0:40 - The backgrounds are making me dizzy.

1:40 - Though I'm not a fan of the background, Michael's smile is infectious.

2:40 - Two Jacksons are better than one!

2:45 - But three is just enough!

3:00 - I feel like he's trying to seduce me.

4:10 - It worked.

There wasn't much to say about this video because there wasn't much happening besides lots of trippy green screen effects. As for the song, I liked it! I didn't love it as much as some of the others, but it was good!

Overall, a good choice for the 11th day! Thanks Megan!

The Twelve Days of MJ - Day 10

For Day 10, Megan picked "Smooth Criminal." Today I will make a jokes about the title.

"Smooth Criminal" sounds like Blaine Anderson went to jail!

"Smooth Criminal" sounds like somebody stole all the Nair from WalMart!

"Smooth Criminal" sounds like what they should have called Brittany Spears when she shaved her head!

"Smooth Criminal" sounds like what I call my penis!

That probably went too far.

Anyway, here's the analysis. Because doing timestamps is easier, that's what I'm doing for the rest of the videos. Deal with it. Or don't, I don't care. Click "Read More" for the full analysis!



0:00 - This video is 10 minutes long? THANKS MEGAN.

0:04 - That is some sweet ass leaning.

0:20 - This overture is very inspiring.

0:27 - Yep. Cocaine will do that to you.

0:50 - Ugh. He's white. This probably won't end well.

0:57 - MEOW

1:13 - Where do I learn how to flip coins like that?

1:37 - I like his blue shirt. His tie is too long though.

2:00 - I need my own spotlight.

2:11 - Have they been saying "Annie are you walking?"
A) A quick Google search tells me the lyrics are "Annie are you OK?"
B) This song is now depressing.

2:29 - Leave her alone.

2:38 - Nice fake fighting. NOT.

2:55 - Well if you're just going to throw your money on the floor...I'll take it.

3:12 - Grabbing that ball was really cool.

3:13 - Crushing it wasn't.

3:20 - Blowing the dust in that guy's face was.

3:38 - You just got pick-pocketed, Michael.

3:45 - IF YOU ARE SO WORRIED ABOUT ANNIE, GET OUT OF THE FUCKING BAR AND GO CHECK ON HER YOU BIG IDIOT.

The Twelve Days of MJ - Day 9

This post officially means I'm caught up! Today's song is Jackson's "The Way You Make Me Feel." Again, I'll skip the sex jokes, and I'll give you my timeline of thoughts.



0:02 - Slut

0:03 - Gang

0:14 - Dayum gurl, that was harsh. Poor MJ!

0:19 - OH SNAP.

0:21 - Yeah you turn around, slut.

0:32 - Is that a gang symbol?

0:55 - Punch her in her bitch mouth, Michael.

1:09 - Or dance and sing like a badass instead. That works too!

1:20 - This beat is amazing.

1:40 - The synth is even more amazing. He hasn't even started the actual song and it's already better than Days 7 and 8 combined.

2:12 - Hahaha, hip thrusting. NICE!

2:17 - She's definitely justified in running away from that.

2:36 - I actually know this song. At least the chorus. But again, I didn't know it was MJ!

2:45 - Your relationship has been approved by a homeless man. Success!

3:03 - How much is the ticket for "hip thrusting on vehicle"?

3:20 - This is what stalking was like before Facebook.

3:25 - Except she loves it.

3:32 - I think this is Michael's version of "You're the One That I Want"

4:46 - He may actually be hip thrusting too much.

4:49 - Is it safe to sit in strange lawn furniture?

5:25 - Snaps are intimidating.

5:45 - Choreographed pavement thrusting is not.

6:37 - Some women will fall for anything.

Thank god this one was so much better than the last two days. In fact it's definitely right up there with "Beat It." This one is super catchy and fun as well. Yay! Thanks Megan! I look forward to Day 10! I can't believe we're almost finished!

The Twelve Days of MJ - Day 8

For Day 8, Megan chose Michael and Janet Jackson's "Scream." I sincerely hope I don't want to after I see this.



Here's my thought process once again!

1) Is this going to be scary?

2) ALIENS!

3) These are the voyages of the Starship Jackson

4) Whoa. His face is terrifying.

5) Janet is pretty!

6) What on God's green Earth is this shit?

7) I think my ears are bleeding.

8) The answer to question number 1 is yes.

9) I'm nauseous and very confused.

10) Did he just grab her booby?

11) Still confused.

12) This is terrible.

13) Would Megan be upset if I shut it off?

14) If they didn't put him on trial for pedophilia, they shoulda put him on trial for this video and song being crimes against humanity.

15) Did he just say "Fuck You" in sign language?

16) This has got to stop.

I am so sorry Megan. I literally cannot listen to this song/watch this video any longer. It's so bad. Like, the video is whacked out and that song...what the hell. Wow.

Okay so, two bad days in a row. I sincerely hope the next one isn't this bad, because most of them were so good and now I'm starting to be sad about MJ.

The Twelve Days of MJ - Day 7

No offense Megan, but you're a witch for giving me a 9 minute video to review shot by shot. RUDE. So you're getting another list, except this will be my thoughts as it happens. For Day 7 Megan picked Michael's "Remember the Time." To save space, I'm going to make a "Read More" cut, so click on that to read the full thing!



1) Is this the Flinstones?

2) You can't hypnotize me!

3) "Days Of Our Lives" hourglass! (Like sands in an hourglass, so are the days of our lives.)

4) The special effects aren't THAT bad. Still cheesy.
A) Clearly we are in Egypt. I did NOT see that coming at all.

5) Meow!

6) Is that Eddie Murphy?

7) I bet that's poison.

8) Of course she's bored, it's fucking Egypt!

9) He can entertain you with his dick I bet.

10) Man, I have always wanted some bongos.

The Twelve Days of MJ - Day 6

This one is super easy, it's almost like a cop-out. There's no music video, so I don't have much to sway. This will instead me a list of opinions/thoughts I have regarding Megan's 6th choice for me, Jackson's "Ben."

Unfortunately embedding is disabled for this video, so here's the link instead:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T1dAQN5QcZU&feature=youtu.be

Here's the list!

1) This is an Oscar's performance, so basically it's just Michael swaying around for 3 minutes.

B) MJ has the coolest fro ever.

III) Turns out I've heard the song before, I just didn't know that it was MJ crooning.

Apple) This song makes me kind of emotional.

@) Michael sounds like an angel.

¿) A gay angel.

/) Still beautiful though.

Poorly Drawn Series #2 - Why the USPS is Failing

 Here is a poorly drawn map of my state, showing the state capitol, my home, and school:

 

Now, here are the poorly drawn distances:

As you can see, the distance from home to school is about 40 miles, and the distance from home is about 240 miles. 

I received a card from home that had been sent to Indianapolis. It took 3 days. I can get home in about an hour.

Why is the USPS losing so much money? Because they shipped my card over 520 miles. Those miles cost money. Gas is about the price of a small child these days. You do the math. Or sell young Elizabeth, I don't care.

I'm pretty sure one of the office workers could have just driven it to me and been home in time for dinner.

Application to be Coty’s New Best Friend/Assistant

Name:
Date of Birth:
Favorite Color:

Are you opposed to abuse? If yes, please explain:

In the event of an emergency, are you opposed to being called “Tiny Pony”? If yes, please explain:

If I were to ever be offered a reality television show (and if Bravo knows what’s good for them, I will be), would you be upset if I yelled at you a lot for dramatic effect? If yes, please explain:

If I were to ever lose all functioning in my legs, would you leave me immediately? If yes, please discontinue this application.

Rocks? If yellow, please explain:

Do you agree to lose any competition we are ever in? If no, please explain:

Please answer questions in the comments section below.

The Twelve Days of MJ - Day 5

Alright. Day five. This is Megan's 5th suggestion for me. This is Jackson's "Beat It." I'll skip the countless masturbation jokes and just get right into the video summary. We open with a shot of a restaurant where I'm pretty sure the cooks don't wash their hands. It just seems generally sketchy. A young gangsta rises from his seat, walks down the aisle, smacks his brotha-from-anotha-motha on the back, and the two head out into the big bad world. The opening notes to the song begin as six Ninja Turtle looking gentlemen line up diagonally in front of the camera. They run off (maybe they are 'beating it') making wild monkey noises as two more gentlemen climb out of the sewer. That's legit thug right there. We cut to a bar where several gentlemen begin leaving their activities as the music begins to play. I'm almost too overwhelmed by the awesome music to keep writing, but I'll shove on. Our gangstas walk down the street as we cut to our friend Michael singing in bed. I do that, too! A shot back at our gangstas, who are clearly recruiting the homeless for a mob. Yay! We cut back to Michael, and I realize he was really good looking at this age. He looks very, for lack of a better word, natural. We cut back to the gangstas who jump on the back of the truck. Perhaps they hit gold and are moving to California? Back to Michael, who is using his super cool dance moves in a hallway. I honestly do think MJ was a superb dancer. Back to the gangstas, and I believe I may be correct in that they actually ARE gangstas, because there appears to be two separate groups heading toward each other. Michael bursts into the restaurant from earlier, moves around the decor, and then into the bar. We cut to a garage where the doors lift and the gangstas are revealed. They step into the garage and the camera slowly pans across them. Two gentlemen, who I assume to be the leaders, step out and bump into each other. They look at each other and pull out knives. I called it. FIGHT. They shuffle around for a few seconds and then the start stabbing dancing with each other. WHAT? This is a West Side Story rip off if I've ever seen one, and I've never seen West Side Story. Somehow it's weirdly not gay and totally awesome. I love good choreography. Michael appears and breaks up the "fight" and they join him in some dancing. This continues for the rest of the video, until we zoom out and fade to black. Honestly, the song and dancing were amazing. If you have not seen the video, watch it now. It's amazing. I loved the song to. Someone send it to me. Thanks, Megan!

The Twelve Days of MJ - Day 4

I'm behind. Sorry! I was suffering from a severe case of maybelateritis. Doctor says it's terminal. Ah well.

For Day 4, Megan rudely gave me TWO songs to listen to, so I insisted that the second one count as Day 5. I won. The first song she gave me, and therefore the subject of this post, is Jackson's "Billie Jean."



Alright. Let me start by saying I have heard this song before. Not listened to it, but heard it. And I definitely never saw this whacked out video. So, shot by shot, here's what went down (just like my imaginary boyfriend, tehe).

First I had to sit through that fucking Vevo commercial. Then, the good stuff happened. The video starts off in black and white, which is what you would expect to happen in his song "Black or White," but that is a whole other story. So we look on as some mysterious shadow passes over the neighborhood. I call rapist. He molests the brick wall, and then shuffles on by the camera. We finally see his face, and I'm reminded of Will Smith what we the sunglasses and all. There's a shot of a trashcan, where I can only assume Oscar the Grouch is going to pop up and bitch out MJ for being too loud. But no, just a shot of a cat running by.

Our mysterious man lights up a cigarette. So far his only mistake is not reading the Surgeon General's warning. Wait, clearly he did, because he puts it out immediately without smoking it. That's wasting taxpayer money, good sir.*

He walks again, but not before flipping a coin. (I'm sure there's some kind of Heads and Tails/Michael Jackson/Pedophilia joke in there somewhere, but it's late and I'm a lazy bitch. And finally, Michael Jackson appears, playing the most awesome game of "Don't Step on the Lava" I have ever seen. Win. My only disappointment here is that the "Hoo, hoo" lyrics don't sync up with the steps lighting up. We finally see Michael's face again, and I'm so glad he's got his original face in this video. No reason why, I just am. He looks very concerned, and I think I know why. The rapist/mugger from earlier makes his reappearance, jerking his head from side to side. I'm assuming it's because MJ just started singing and his brain is melting from the pure intensity.

We pan back to the trashcan, and it focuses on a hobo. I told you Oscar would make an appearance. Gold star for me! Michael bites his lip, and looks as if he might pounce on the homeless man and clean up the streets. Instead, the wind blows away a newspaper that was covering the homeless man's moneycup. Jackson appears to flip a coin into the cup, but I think he actually dropped it because the stench reached him and he couldn't bear it.

As it turns out, this is a magical coin (or maybe the cup is magical) as it begins glowing as soon as something entered it. I do that too, cup, it's natural.

Goblet of Fire style, the cup transform the homeless man into a cool guy in a white tuxedo. By the way, those went out of style in the 90s. Stop wearing them to Prom, jackasses.

We cut to the fakest city street I have ever seen. I become even more convinced we are filming on Sesame Street. The mysterious man runs around the corner as the wind blows a newspaper titled "BILLIE JEAN SCANDAL." The man picks up the paper, runs around the corner and hides behind...a trash can. Because that's going to hide someone. I legitimately hope someone shoots him for being an idiot. He looks on as MJ reappears, stilling winning the Lava game. He thrusts his foot onto the most discoballin' trashcan I have ever seen to shine his shoes. Our cat reappears briefly, and Michael looks at it as if dinner just arrived. Deciding against a late snack, he continues on as shots of more cats and shoe shining appear. Three questions:

1) How many cats are there on this block? and

B) How many trashcans are there in this city? and

III) Who do I call to have light-up sidewalks installed in my city?

I would also like to point out that the sidewalk only lights up for Michael, not the mysterious man. I'm assuming Michael is radioactive. As he leans against a lamppost, it comes aglow. I hope this glowing city has some sort of point.

Watch out behind you, Michael! The mysterious man sneaks up behind him and is about to mug him when several Polaroid cameras goes off. Was there a camera store in front of him? Apparently. The picture slowly fades in to reveal the mysterious man grabbing at thin air, and the video cuts back to the same thing. I'm guessing aliens. The mysterious man is understandably confused, and he runs away. The video fades out and back in to a static picture of Michael Jackson. The picture cuts back to Michael, and he prances around gyrating all of the place. There are some split screen images of Michael, before a wide shot of a billboard showing a woman. Might this be Billie Jean? I sure as hell hope so. Jackson dances closer to the billboard, and I have to comment on how the lights aren't lit up when he's standing on him all the time. Fail.

He does some more dancing around as Dallas-like screen shots take place. After this, the shot cuts to a bed and I have a bad feeling about this. There's a cut back outside as the mysterious man picks up a tiger print something and we cut back to Michael. I am so confused. There's more dancing and a shot of the mysterious man, and a lady in a nightcap watches on as MJ climbs the stairway to Heaven. The stairs also light up in this city. Michael is at the top of the stairs, and the mysterious man begins to climb this. This is unacceptable to the lady in the nightcap, as she picks up the phone. I'm assuming she's calling Spiderman. We cut to MJ standing over the bed staring at whoever is in it. The mysterious man pops up in the window and pulls out his camera. Who is creepier here? I don't know. Michael climbs in the bed and it begins to glow. The mysterious man looks on as the police finally arrive. Good response time!

We cut back to the glowing bed and Michael disappears under the cover. Literally just disappears. The police arrive and arrest the mysterious man. We cut back to the city street and the police parade the creeper to jail. He drops the tiger striped clothes and it transforms into a tiger. Yep. The video cuts back to the empty street and fades out.

What the f, David Blaine?

This video was crazy. I don't understand anything. WHO WAS BILLIE JEAN? WHO WAS THE CREEPER? WHY DOES EVERYTHING GLOW? WHAT THE F.







*Statement should not be regarded as the truth.

Poorly Drawn Series #1 - It's What God Wants

I would like to tell you one of my favorite stories about where I'm from.

My hometown is small:

It is so small, I didn’t even mark it because it wouldn’t matter. A few minutes away from my hometown is an even smaller town called Ittybittyville. See map above.

Anyway, here is a map of Ittybittyville:

Yes, a church and a strip club made up the economy of Ittybittyville. There are probably some "moo cows*" there too. One day, the church decided it needed a change of scenery. So they decided to move:

Oh yes, they moved their church right in front of the strip club.

But then one day someone realized, “Hey! We can see the whorehouse through the stained glass JESUS!”

So the members of the congregation, who you may remember moved of their own accord, insisted that the city make the strip club build a new fence so they wouldn't have to see Jasmine ride Ted's "magic carpet" during service. The city caved and ordered the strip club to build the fence:

But this strip club wasn't going to just take it up the ass from city council. Oh no, they were a clever strip club. After a lot of thinking, they came up with the perfect plan.

They built a second story.

7 Things Series - 7 Things I Don't Give a Fuck About

There are things that piss me off, there are things that motivate me, and there are things that I really don't give a fuck about. The following fall into the latter category.


In no particular order:

7. Chuck Norris

He's a man who did some karate. Get over it. He is in no way the coolest man alive. Sorry. I don't think jokes about him are funny anymore.



6. Dr. Oz

I'm pretty sure Walgreens is paying him to tell you that your vagina's age is 104 to sell their ReVagitalizer 4000. You know why your vagina is old? Because you're watching Dr. Oz and not sluttin' it up.



5. Cafeteria Food

Stop making mystery meat jokes. The FDA checks this shit. Throw some salt on that turkey and close your trap.



4. Plot Holes

Plot Holes don't bother me anymore. It's TV. Get over it.




3. The Christmas/Holiday Debate

Rhode Island's governor said Tuesday that lawmakers upset with his decision to call the blue spruce erected in the Statehouse a "holiday tree" instead of a "Christmas tree" should focus their energy on feeding the poor.



2. Gay Slurs

I know who I am and I honestly don't care what anybody else calls me. It's not going to hurt me.



1. Lady Gaga



You know why I can't read her poker face? Because it's covered in meat.




So how about you? What do you not care about? Comment below!

The Twelve Days of MJ - Day 3

After yesterday's acid trip of a video, I'm really excited for Day 3. At the behest of my Glee Chat co-host Natalie, today the wonderful Megan gave me "Will You Be There," by Michael Jackson ft. The Cleveland Orchestra.



I don't think anybody knows of my secret fascination for whales. Whales are huge. People use "whale" as a synonym for "goddamn gigantic." So the opening shot of WYBT totally had me gave me a lady boner. The first couple of notes reminded me of the opening to "Lean On Me" by Bill Withers, but I was soon disappointed when the song transitioned into something different. Cockblock.

We then helicopter zoom past a sailor with some binoculars. Do we need binoculars to see whales? Apparently. As we zoom past the S.S. Minnow, we cut to a shot of another sailor AND HOLY SHIT THE MUSIC IS AWESOME AND WHALES FUCKING JUMP UP OUT OF THE OCEAN. I just came.

Coty: 0
Michael Jackson: 1

We then fade between Michael Jackson's opening to the song and beautiful shots of whales. I am in love with this video. I love whales. There's a cut of a boy pissing himself at the sight of...oh, it's a whale! Awwww. He runs away. Booo. Come back little boy. Whales love you!

It is here that I look up information on the video and find out that the scenes are intercut from the movie "Free Willy," in which this song was the main theme. I haven't seen "Free Willy" but now I have to. It has whales.

We continue to fade back and forth between scenes of "Free Willy" and Michael Jackson performing the song. In the interest of not describing every scene from the movie, I'm going move straight into song analysis.

In all seriousness, I really enjoyed this song. Even though I felt very much like I was in church, I was having fun. Michael Jackson has some very good inspirational lyrics, and they weren't ruined by a ridiculous video as in the case of "Black or White." I could see myself listening to this song when I'm feeling sad. Once again, I'm looking forward to what song comes next!

P.S. This video reminds me of one of my favorite videos.

The Twelve Days of MJ - Day 2

After yesterday's McCartney fiasco, I prayed today would be better. For Day 2, Megan chose "Black or White."



The opening of this music video reminded me of the opening of "Airplane!" except this time I wasn't expecting a shark, and I felt like I was on some sort of acid trip. The first appearance of a human in this video isn't what I expected.

It's some Macaulay Culkin lookalike jamming on the air guitar. This is funny because 1) The music video is entitled "Black or White," and you can't get much whiter than air guitar and B) Because Macaulay Culkin will later testify that MJ didn't touch his disco stick.

His Archie Bunker of a father sits in the chair, rolling his eyes at the ceiling while Albert Pujol's grandfather does something spectacular during what is clearly the most exciting game of hockey ever seen*, and the bobble-heads shake like it's a bad earthquake film starring John Cusack (I'm looking at you, 2012).

We cut back to Mr. Culkinalike jumping around on his bed. I am assuming this will later turn into a weird fetish as he gets older. Dad finally decides he's had enough, and shouts "TURN IT OFF!" Yeah, because he can hear you over the sound of his jams, Dad.

Dad climbs the stairs (probably leading to his next heart attack), bursts into the room just as his son slides across the store on a teddy bear, rock star style.

Note: It is at this moment that I realize the child actually is Macaulay Culkin. 10 points to Gryffindor!

Dad increases his heart rate while verbally abusing his child about the volume of his music. As the saying goes, "If this music is too loud, you're too fucking old." Dad slams the door and OH MY SAINT HEAVEN, the sacred picture of Michael Jackson shatters as it hits the floor.

Somehow this makes Mr. Culkin mischievous? He snaps open the trunk of mysteries, which doesn't actually hold all of the gay porn I'm sure he has now. Instead, it's a rock guitar. Also, yeah, let's get that amphitheater sized speaker out of storage. It's been gathering dust for far too long. Culkin rolls the speakers into the living room, where his mother doesn't even look up. I assume it's because she's disinterested in her budding gay son. I hope she Google's PFLAG in about 10 years.

Culkin cranks the setting past "LOUD," skates past "LOUDEST," and goes straight for "ARE YOU NUTS!?!" which I believe is the setting that all Twilight fans are currently tuned to.

Enter sunglasses, stunned looks, and a very smartass "Eat this!" before Culkin his the guitar and blows the fucking windows out. What an asshole. Dad flies through the ceiling and past the moon. Yep. The moon. What the hell am I watching, Megan?

Back on Earth, Mrs. Cleaver gives the best one-liner I've heard in years. I won't spoil it. Watch the damn video.

Intro the music. Thank god. Wait, lions?! Protip: Lions are neither Black nor White. They are yellow. Is this some sort of ironic hipster joke I don't understand? Oh wait, they camera pans up and hello! The hunters have arrived, stalking Simba. Also, Dad lands. In Africa. Yep. C'mon, Megan. Seriously?

Dad and I both look on in disbelief as Michael Jackson begins dancing among the tribe people. W.T.Fuck. It is at this point I expect the lions to maul the fuck out of them and the video to end abruptly. Nope. They prance on out of the Sahara and straight into Studio 56.

Michael Jackson begins singing, but I can't understand what the hell he's saying. It's catchy! Something about miracles and not mattering if you're black or white. Okay. Got it. Shout out to the pretty lady dancers in this scene.

Back to Africa! Or America? I think we're joined here by Native America, who in a sudden change of heart have decided to forget all the wrongs done toward them towards privileged Americans. Hey, you don't get the chance to dance with Michael Jackson very often. Especially these days.

Ah yes, speaking of privileged Americans, the camera zooms out and cowboys ride down the hill and begin shooting the hell out of the place, conveniently not hitting a damn thing. We're all friends here, it seems.

Cut to India. A very colorful woman entices us with a sexy neck dance. Cars zoom past because yeah, THAT'S the stereotype of India.

And we are now whisked off to either Holland or the North Pole. I can't really tell. There's snow. The elves/Holland people dance around him as Blizzardgeddon begins around them. Suddenly we are now staring at a snow globe being picked up by OHMYGOD GIANT BABIES ON EARTH. HOW IS THIS NORMAL?!?!?!

Michael then appears once more dancing through the flames of the Underworld. Say "Whassup" to Hades for me while you're there, MJ. Thanks! Oh sorry, it was just Harlem. Culkin makes a reappearance, rapping with what I believe to be the cast of "Barney." Yep. Rapping. And his voice has gone down like 5 octaves. Steroids! Jackson prances around the children merrily and I wonder how anyone could have misconstrued his intent. Oh wait. He's thrusting behind Culkin.

Jackson then appears on the top of a giant ice cream cone Lady Liberty. The camera zooms out, and it is here where I would like to point out that I have personally been to the Statue of Liberty and I can assure you that I could not see Paris, London, Hollywood, or San Francisco. Somebody failed Geography.

We then go into a creepy morph section. Ew. Wait. There's a hot guy! And another! Okay, I'm sold. The camera pans back into a studio, where the director yells "Cut!" and the video fades to black.

Alright. I'll admit. I loved it. It's was so clever that I couldn't not enjoy it. It reminds me of a really tame Lady Gaga music video. Except I liked it. The song was also really fun. I had heard this before, but it's got a really sweet underlying message. And that is that if you aren't happy being black or white, change it. Or something. I told you I couldn't understand what he was saying!

Thanks Megan! I look forward to tomorrow.

*I know it's actually baseball.

lolcats 101: A Lesson in Funny

My dearest friend Jessica doesn’t think lolcats are funny. I think it’s because she’s old. So I’m going to school her on the fine art of lolcats and show her how funny they really are.










Now, let’s do a little comparison between cats with great spelling, and cats with bad spelling.



versus



Now honestly Jessica, which one is more humorous? Hint: It’s the poor cat that has gots all imtangeld up. Here's another comparison.



versus







A quick thank you to John for allowing me to make fun of him.

The Twelve Days of Michael Jackson - Day 1

Because nobody will let me live down not knowing Michael Jackson like the back of my hand, Megan has started the “12 Days of Michael Jackson,” in an attempt to school me in the music of the so-called King of Pop. Here’s my review of the first song, “Say, Say, Say” by Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson.

As the saying goes –

fruit: good

cake: great,

fruitcake: nasty crap.

It seems the same can be said for music.

Michael Jackson: good

Paul McCartney: great

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!

Honestly, Paul McCartney was just super creepy in this video. In an ironic turn of events, Michael Jackson rocked this song. Every time Michael Jackson started singing, I got into the song. Poor McCartney struggled through the whole thing. It was like watching a deer that was just struck by a truck try to stagger to the side of the road. It was so sad and you honestly just wanted the poor thing to be put out of its misery.

Paul McCartney looked like a cracked out version of Freddy the Freeloader and Michael (we’re on a first name basis now) looked like he should be standing in line asking ,“Please sir, can I have some more?” Also, can we take a moment to figure out where the hell they were? It was a like a cheap musical version of Back to the Future III, which I hated by the way.

At one point during the video, they both croon to some guitar playing music slut. I’m sorry, but are they getting ready to tag team that guitar lady? By the way, who the hell prances around in shaving cream? Here’s a tip: no two men should be shaving together unless they are gay or a father is teaching his son how not to cut his nose off.

Finally, the clown thing is only cute when Cam does it. Nice try McCarckson. 

I couldn’t enjoy this song because of McCartney. Sorry, MJ. Better luck next time.