The opening of this music video reminded me of the opening of "Airplane!" except this time I wasn't expecting a shark, and I felt like I was on some sort of acid trip. The first appearance of a human in this video isn't what I expected.
It's some Macaulay Culkin lookalike jamming on the air guitar. This is funny because 1) The music video is entitled "Black or White," and you can't get much whiter than air guitar and B) Because Macaulay Culkin will later testify that MJ didn't touch his disco stick.
His Archie Bunker of a father sits in the chair, rolling his eyes at the ceiling while Albert Pujol's grandfather does something spectacular during what is clearly the most exciting game of hockey ever seen*, and the bobble-heads shake like it's a bad earthquake film starring John Cusack (I'm looking at you, 2012).
We cut back to Mr. Culkinalike jumping around on his bed. I am assuming this will later turn into a weird fetish as he gets older. Dad finally decides he's had enough, and shouts "TURN IT OFF!" Yeah, because he can hear you over the sound of his jams, Dad.
Dad climbs the stairs (probably leading to his next heart attack), bursts into the room just as his son slides across the store on a teddy bear, rock star style.
Note: It is at this moment that I realize the child actually is Macaulay Culkin. 10 points to Gryffindor!
Dad increases his heart rate while verbally abusing his child about the volume of his music. As the saying goes, "If this music is too loud, you're too fucking old." Dad slams the door and OH MY SAINT HEAVEN, the sacred picture of Michael Jackson shatters as it hits the floor.
Somehow this makes Mr. Culkin mischievous? He snaps open the trunk of mysteries, which doesn't actually hold all of the gay porn I'm sure he has now. Instead, it's a rock guitar. Also, yeah, let's get that amphitheater sized speaker out of storage. It's been gathering dust for far too long. Culkin rolls the speakers into the living room, where his mother doesn't even look up. I assume it's because she's disinterested in her budding gay son. I hope she Google's PFLAG in about 10 years.
Culkin cranks the setting past "LOUD," skates past "LOUDEST," and goes straight for "ARE YOU NUTS!?!" which I believe is the setting that all Twilight fans are currently tuned to.
Enter sunglasses, stunned looks, and a very smartass "Eat this!" before Culkin his the guitar and blows the fucking windows out. What an asshole. Dad flies through the ceiling and past the moon. Yep. The moon. What the hell am I watching, Megan?
Back on Earth, Mrs. Cleaver gives the best one-liner I've heard in years. I won't spoil it. Watch the damn video.
Intro the music. Thank god. Wait, lions?! Protip: Lions are neither Black nor White. They are yellow. Is this some sort of ironic hipster joke I don't understand? Oh wait, they camera pans up and hello! The hunters have arrived, stalking Simba. Also, Dad lands. In Africa. Yep. C'mon, Megan. Seriously?
Dad and I both look on in disbelief as Michael Jackson begins dancing among the tribe people. W.T.Fuck. It is at this point I expect the lions to maul the fuck out of them and the video to end abruptly. Nope. They prance on out of the Sahara and straight into Studio 56.
Michael Jackson begins singing, but I can't understand what the hell he's saying. It's catchy! Something about miracles and not mattering if you're black or white. Okay. Got it. Shout out to the pretty lady dancers in this scene.
Back to Africa! Or America? I think we're joined here by Native America, who in a sudden change of heart have decided to forget all the wrongs done toward them towards privileged Americans. Hey, you don't get the chance to dance with Michael Jackson very often. Especially these days.
Ah yes, speaking of privileged Americans, the camera zooms out and cowboys ride down the hill and begin shooting the hell out of the place, conveniently not hitting a damn thing. We're all friends here, it seems.
Cut to India. A very colorful woman entices us with a sexy neck dance. Cars zoom past because yeah, THAT'S the stereotype of India.
And we are now whisked off to either Holland or the North Pole. I can't really tell. There's snow. The elves/Holland people dance around him as Blizzardgeddon begins around them. Suddenly we are now staring at a snow globe being picked up by OHMYGOD GIANT BABIES ON EARTH. HOW IS THIS NORMAL?!?!?!
Michael then appears once more dancing through the flames of the Underworld. Say "Whassup" to Hades for me while you're there, MJ. Thanks! Oh sorry, it was just Harlem. Culkin makes a reappearance, rapping with what I believe to be the cast of "Barney." Yep. Rapping. And his voice has gone down like 5 octaves. Steroids! Jackson prances around the children merrily and I wonder how anyone could have misconstrued his intent. Oh wait. He's thrusting behind Culkin.
Jackson then appears on the top of
We then go into a creepy morph section. Ew. Wait. There's a hot guy! And another! Okay, I'm sold. The camera pans back into a studio, where the director yells "Cut!" and the video fades to black.
Alright. I'll admit. I loved it. It's was so clever that I couldn't not enjoy it. It reminds me of a really tame Lady Gaga music video. Except I liked it. The song was also really fun. I had heard this before, but it's got a really sweet underlying message. And that is that if you aren't happy being black or white, change it. Or something. I told you I couldn't understand what he was saying!
Thanks Megan! I look forward to tomorrow.
*I know it's actually baseball.
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