In the spirit of the holiday past, here are 7 things I never want for Christmas. Ever. Seriously.
7. Lost - The Complete Collection
I don't know why, but I never ever want to see this series. Don't buy it for me. I'll sell it.
6. Classic Novels
I tried to pretend that I liked classic novels since I'm a literature major and whatnot, but I pretty much hate every classic story novel that isn't "Of Mice and Men." If you get this for me, I assume it's because you intend to bore me into a coma and steal my money.
5. Audiobooks
Along those lines, I have the worst attention span when it comes to reading. You know what makes it worse? Listening to someone else read very slowly. Sorry, can't do it. I'll be done in a quarter of the time. Don't buy them. P.S. If you get me an audiobook of classic novels, I will hate you.
4. Footed Pajamas
Somebody please call Child Protective Services. For some god-forsaken reason, footed pajamas are making a comeback among adults. Seriously, you look like an idiot in footed pajamas. Does baby want a pacifier? No. Put on some real pajamas, you jackass.
3. A self-help book
I don't need help. I need money. Problem solved!
2. Light Bulbs
Now, I know this seems obvious. Who the hell buys someone light bulbs for Christmas? But you know, I think it could happen. I just want to confirm to anyone considering purchasing me some light bulbs next Christmas that yes, I will hate your gift.
1. A Star
Now I know a lot of people think having a star named after them is cute, but I am not one of those people. Firstly, they don't actually name the star after me. Scam! Second, I can't fucking see it. I want to see my present. Thirdly, it doesn't have an exchange policy like the other gifts, which if I were unlucky enough to receive, I could at least take back. You can't return Beta Gamma 2456321X12GG for a full refund.
If anybody ever gets me any of these gifts, I'm keeping whatever I got them for myself. Even if it's perfume or something. I'd rather be cheap than stupid.
**Note - With the conclusion of this post, this blog will be going on a Monday, Wednesday, Friday rotation. I've got shit to do, sorry!
5 comments:
Phew. I sure am glad I didn't get you that audiobook of A Tale of Two Cities. That would have been embarrassing. ;)
Hahahaha. If it had come from you I may have made an exception. Or rather, I would have smiled politely and pretended to like it. But I didn't have to do that because your gifts were amazing!
Lol, that's right they were! And I think I know you just a little better than to have actually gotten you any of those things. I mean, after listening to you bitch about Shakespeare so much I kinda knew how ya felt.
Hahahaha, that class was a huge fail.
Yet you passed in spite of your griping.
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