The Twelve Days of MJ - Day 4

I'm behind. Sorry! I was suffering from a severe case of maybelateritis. Doctor says it's terminal. Ah well.

For Day 4, Megan rudely gave me TWO songs to listen to, so I insisted that the second one count as Day 5. I won. The first song she gave me, and therefore the subject of this post, is Jackson's "Billie Jean."



Alright. Let me start by saying I have heard this song before. Not listened to it, but heard it. And I definitely never saw this whacked out video. So, shot by shot, here's what went down (just like my imaginary boyfriend, tehe).

First I had to sit through that fucking Vevo commercial. Then, the good stuff happened. The video starts off in black and white, which is what you would expect to happen in his song "Black or White," but that is a whole other story. So we look on as some mysterious shadow passes over the neighborhood. I call rapist. He molests the brick wall, and then shuffles on by the camera. We finally see his face, and I'm reminded of Will Smith what we the sunglasses and all. There's a shot of a trashcan, where I can only assume Oscar the Grouch is going to pop up and bitch out MJ for being too loud. But no, just a shot of a cat running by.

Our mysterious man lights up a cigarette. So far his only mistake is not reading the Surgeon General's warning. Wait, clearly he did, because he puts it out immediately without smoking it. That's wasting taxpayer money, good sir.*

He walks again, but not before flipping a coin. (I'm sure there's some kind of Heads and Tails/Michael Jackson/Pedophilia joke in there somewhere, but it's late and I'm a lazy bitch. And finally, Michael Jackson appears, playing the most awesome game of "Don't Step on the Lava" I have ever seen. Win. My only disappointment here is that the "Hoo, hoo" lyrics don't sync up with the steps lighting up. We finally see Michael's face again, and I'm so glad he's got his original face in this video. No reason why, I just am. He looks very concerned, and I think I know why. The rapist/mugger from earlier makes his reappearance, jerking his head from side to side. I'm assuming it's because MJ just started singing and his brain is melting from the pure intensity.

We pan back to the trashcan, and it focuses on a hobo. I told you Oscar would make an appearance. Gold star for me! Michael bites his lip, and looks as if he might pounce on the homeless man and clean up the streets. Instead, the wind blows away a newspaper that was covering the homeless man's moneycup. Jackson appears to flip a coin into the cup, but I think he actually dropped it because the stench reached him and he couldn't bear it.

As it turns out, this is a magical coin (or maybe the cup is magical) as it begins glowing as soon as something entered it. I do that too, cup, it's natural.

Goblet of Fire style, the cup transform the homeless man into a cool guy in a white tuxedo. By the way, those went out of style in the 90s. Stop wearing them to Prom, jackasses.

We cut to the fakest city street I have ever seen. I become even more convinced we are filming on Sesame Street. The mysterious man runs around the corner as the wind blows a newspaper titled "BILLIE JEAN SCANDAL." The man picks up the paper, runs around the corner and hides behind...a trash can. Because that's going to hide someone. I legitimately hope someone shoots him for being an idiot. He looks on as MJ reappears, stilling winning the Lava game. He thrusts his foot onto the most discoballin' trashcan I have ever seen to shine his shoes. Our cat reappears briefly, and Michael looks at it as if dinner just arrived. Deciding against a late snack, he continues on as shots of more cats and shoe shining appear. Three questions:

1) How many cats are there on this block? and

B) How many trashcans are there in this city? and

III) Who do I call to have light-up sidewalks installed in my city?

I would also like to point out that the sidewalk only lights up for Michael, not the mysterious man. I'm assuming Michael is radioactive. As he leans against a lamppost, it comes aglow. I hope this glowing city has some sort of point.

Watch out behind you, Michael! The mysterious man sneaks up behind him and is about to mug him when several Polaroid cameras goes off. Was there a camera store in front of him? Apparently. The picture slowly fades in to reveal the mysterious man grabbing at thin air, and the video cuts back to the same thing. I'm guessing aliens. The mysterious man is understandably confused, and he runs away. The video fades out and back in to a static picture of Michael Jackson. The picture cuts back to Michael, and he prances around gyrating all of the place. There are some split screen images of Michael, before a wide shot of a billboard showing a woman. Might this be Billie Jean? I sure as hell hope so. Jackson dances closer to the billboard, and I have to comment on how the lights aren't lit up when he's standing on him all the time. Fail.

He does some more dancing around as Dallas-like screen shots take place. After this, the shot cuts to a bed and I have a bad feeling about this. There's a cut back outside as the mysterious man picks up a tiger print something and we cut back to Michael. I am so confused. There's more dancing and a shot of the mysterious man, and a lady in a nightcap watches on as MJ climbs the stairway to Heaven. The stairs also light up in this city. Michael is at the top of the stairs, and the mysterious man begins to climb this. This is unacceptable to the lady in the nightcap, as she picks up the phone. I'm assuming she's calling Spiderman. We cut to MJ standing over the bed staring at whoever is in it. The mysterious man pops up in the window and pulls out his camera. Who is creepier here? I don't know. Michael climbs in the bed and it begins to glow. The mysterious man looks on as the police finally arrive. Good response time!

We cut back to the glowing bed and Michael disappears under the cover. Literally just disappears. The police arrive and arrest the mysterious man. We cut back to the city street and the police parade the creeper to jail. He drops the tiger striped clothes and it transforms into a tiger. Yep. The video cuts back to the empty street and fades out.

What the f, David Blaine?

This video was crazy. I don't understand anything. WHO WAS BILLIE JEAN? WHO WAS THE CREEPER? WHY DOES EVERYTHING GLOW? WHAT THE F.







*Statement should not be regarded as the truth.